Across the Universe...

Long time no write :)

Do you remember that BEATLES song...Across the Universe...how I LOVE the Beatles...
Anyway...I was inspired yet again by another blog post (hello Kai - wink, wink) today - How to Eat a Mango - intriguing title!
The post was about different approaches to eating a mango and to describing the divine - intriguing combination!
That brings me to the following question...what is the divine anyway and how do you eat a mango without ending up looking like a complete mess :)

After my grand-father's death - who I loved desperately - I decided that there was no God. God was something that we had invented in order to have some type of structure, some type of logic in this endless chaos called life.
Something to give us a perspective, a sense, a direction in life. A remedy against our loneliness and our over-whelming sense of despair.
A mirage of our mind - no more and no less...
I can't say that I've since come to believe in a deity, in a creator, in 'something greater than ourselves' - but I'm no longer so sure about the inexistance of God...

My doubts regarding the inexistance of God started with my grand-mother's death...with her leaving this life...
I was present and the process itself was like a roller-coaster ride, being completely torn between the wish to let the person go - for good - and the need to hold on to the person that you love so much.
Assisting her dying was nothing but draining, yet, it has proved to be the most amazing and life-changing experience of my life so far.
My grand-mother died on a Sunday afternoon, on a bright and incredibly sunny day in February. The sky was blue and there was a hint of spring in the air.
In the evening I was just worn out - I think I've never been that tired and exhausted in my whole life.
I had a lot of strange dreams that night and needless to say, I slept really badly.
The following day, everything seemed kind of surreal, as if I had entered an altered reality and the realization that she wasn't there anymore - nowhere on this blue planet - swept over me in shock-waves.
I cried all morning - until I had the feeling that there wasn't one single tear left in my body...I was sick of crying and I came to the conclusion that her death wasn't gonna be the last word.
I wouldn't let her death eclipse her life...
So I celebrated her beautiful life and everything that she was to me...I put on a CD and played "Why does it always rain on me" by Travis...
I 'screamed' along at the top of my voice...I screamed and I danced like a madman...I must have looked like I had completely "lost it", but never in my whole life have I felt as alive as in that moment...and like a primal scream, my voice drowned out the music. I think I danced for hours...in memoriam of her beautiful life, of all lives that have ever existed and of all lives that will ever exist...
In the aftermath of my grand-mother's death, I came to fully understand the immensity of this universe, the miracle that this life is - any life...
As if I had been "communicated" the full picture, I could finally grasp the immensity of this creation, and everything made sense, everything belonged...
I cannot express any of this in words, but it made me realize what a miracle this life REALLY is...
You think you know, but you don't, you think you're aware, but you aren't.
A veil was lifted that day - if only for a short moment - and I could grasp the full picture...the true nature of things...all things.
I was left with a feeling of hope and a deep-rooted faith that things work out in our favor...as if the universe or something "out there" was taking care of us.
I say as if, because I'm not really sure what to make of it...

This experience has changed my life and most importantly my outlook on life. I don't know if God exists - but this universe, this life does.
We're all part of this wonderful miracle called life, we're made up of the same matter as the stars and that matter is as old as time itself...isn't that divine?

Maybe God is Life itself, the fact that life exists...the micro-cosmos and the macro-cosmos and all the wonders around you and inside you...

To life...


PS: Regarding mangos...I don't mind getting my hands dirty :)
I peel them and then I sink my teeth into this yummy yellow-mellow fibrous flesh...