Tuesday, November 25
The Things We Lost in the Fire...
This is a funny title for a blog - especially since I haven't lost anything in a fire...
Many people have however lost their belongings in the terrible fires that were raging only recently in and around Los Angeles...And it is not so much the fridge that you will miss, or your TV set, or your DVD player - it's the personal stuff, the photos, your journal, your grand-mother's pendant, or the pictures that your kids have drawn for you...that's the stuff that you will miss - like crazy...
This blog entry is about loss...it would be easier for me if I could write this blog in German, as German - being my mother-tongue - is closer to my heart...I will try to get my thoughts across in English, though...the language that most of you speak...
Like the personal belongings that all these people lost in the fire, the people that we lose along the way are gone for good...whether you believe in an after-life or not, the truth is that in this life your loved ones are forever absent.
One wonders, does it get easier as time goes by? Does the pain ever go away? Is time a healer? I don't know...for now I can only answer these questions in the negative...
The ones who pass on leave a tremendous void in our lives and that void will never go away as much as their shoes cannot be filled by anyone else...
It is almost as if someone had cut your leg off...and with the one leg that you have left, you struggle to walk, to stand up straight...swaying back and fro like a twig in the wind. You stagger through your life for a while and you almost forget that you have only one leg left...until you look down, until your eyes catch sight of your single-leg...that's when the pain comes back, that's when you remember that something is entirely different, that you're not the same person anymore and the realization that you're living an altered life just blows your mind...
You cannot grow another leg...so you make-do with what you have...
My father died five years ago and it is still tremendously painful to acknowledge that I will never see him again, talk to him again, that I'll never touch him again, never hold him again, hear his voice again, or laugh at his cheesy jokes again...never...that's a big word...
I sometimes catch myself thinking as I wake up or just before I fall asleep - 'My God, he's gone...he's really gone'...He's not on vacation somewhere, or on a business trip...he's gone for good, wiped off the face of this planet...He is nowhere...he is no more...forever...God, that's so fucking painful.........To hold him one more time, to touch him one more time, to talk to him one more time...I would love to meet up with him and chat over a cup of coffee...and then I would let him go...if he could be back in my life just once in a while, once a year, whatever - just for a fricking cup of coffee...
I'm talking to my walls...to the emptiness...to the silence.
The void is right here - loud and clear...
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13 comments:
Despite not using Deutsch, you put your words together perfectly and in the most endearing way. My eyes teared and it was so sad to read how you'd like to chat with him over a cup of coffee...and then you'd let him go.
Very poignant Stone...
Thanx Akilah...
I'm not fishing for compliments you know...it's really not the same...it's harder in English somehow...but thanx again...
Yeah...just one fricking cup...I would let him go afterwards...I wouldn't expect him to really be part of my life...it's this 'never' and 'forever' that's so fucking unbearable.
Is it possible to use your imagination? Say something, then imagine what he would say in response?
It seems that you and your father were especially close. Did you ever talk about your grief with anyone, I mean in person? Here sometimes people go to support groups to talk about grief with other people who've lost people.
I have talked a lot about my grief I guess...with friends, a shrink :)
The father of a friend of mine currently suffers from ALS...I've talked to her a lot...
Yes, talking does help, but I guess it needs time.
We were very close and the way in which he died still haunts me...
Stone, big hugs and sunshine to you from me. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's perfectly normal. I read an article just today that talked about how years later from time to time, and even forever, people feel this kind of a loss as if it happened yesterday. Elizabeth touched on something I've done recently. It's called Active Imagination. You imagine a conversation, say the things you need to say and say goodbye. It helps. I wish I could hug you. xo
Thanx Kai :-)
A cyber hugs will do *grins*...writing about him helps me...the worst part for me isn't his loss per se (although I miss him tremendously)...the worst part for me until now is his suffering...and the way he died.
Thanx again Kai and Elizabeth! I'll try that conversation...
PS: It must be late where you are...
I guess I'd forgotten that you did tell me you had gone to a therapist.
I always encourage my patients to write. Interestingly, I find the ones who do sometimes don't want to show me what they've written. Maybe some people need to keep private journals. I guess we're a different type of people, wanting to share on the internet. We're either more self-confident, or more extraverted.
Hmmmm...the internet is a "safe haven" to some degree...would I want to show these blog entries to my therapist...maybe...but the thing is, you don't see people face to face in the internet, that makes opening up much easier...
Hi Stone
Really lovely blog, I could feel the love you have for your dad leaping from the pages. Obviously, this man still lives in you and no person will ever fill his shoes how could they he was your dad.
However, I believe that you are healing cos you still feel. People who numb themselves will never heal, you on the other hand allow all this sadness to be felt. Scarred and fighting.
Scarred and fighting...yes, I guess that pretty much describes it...
I have faught this sadness back for too long - trying to function...it's high time I let it go...
Thanx for your extremely kind words everybody and for your concern!!
You're very welcome, Stone! You know we love ya' like family around here.
I ran the other post through a translation site and it got a bit choppy, but I could still feel the emotions from you. I'm so sorry. I'm not at all close to my dad. My mom is my center. If ever...I wouldn't deal well at all.
***You know we love ya' like family around here.***
Hahaha...that's cute...so, I'm officially adopted by you guys :-) Nice...will I get a Turkey wing with some sweet potatoes...LOL...
I know about your dad...you know, the crazy thing is...my dad wasn't my biological dad...but I loved him more than anything...a lot more than my mother (that wasn't too hard)...I never met my "sperm donor" hahaha...my mother had an affair with that man, and he dumped her the moment she told him she was preggers...
Blood ain't thicker than water...it so ain't...
PS: These translation programs can be pretty shitty LOL...maybe I'll try to translate it - but that won't be easy...I can be more "poetic" in German...more metaphoric...in English I'm more clear-cut, more "sober" - which isn't a bad thing...
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